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Blog: Mars Attacks

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At current time of typing i am almost halfway through a FITNESS REGIME/healthy eating kick/all right all right i'll say it, A DIET. About four years ago I realised I had got RATHER FAT due to a) eating too much b) not doing enough, and so made my return to THE GYM and lost about two and a half stone. WHAT IS MY SECRET, you ask? It is two fold: first, obviously, Do More, Eat Less and secondly, spend about six months sitting around on your fat arse eating TONS OF FOOD before you start and you'll find by simply NOT sitting around on your fat arse eating TONS OF FOOD then the wait will simply FLY off.

OK, maybe not to the point that you wear less than you did before you started, but HEY! the Job Specification is "Lose Weight Fast", don't blame ME if that's all it does!

ANYWAY, the reason in introduce the topic is because LAST year I fell off the wagon again a bit, and resumed former bad habits of a) not going to the gym b) thinking that CAKE for lunch is HEALTH FOOD c) thinking that TWIX and FLAPJACKS are healthy alternatives to fruit. THIS time around i only put on about a stone or so, but it was ENOUGH, and so three weeks ago i followed my own advice and did something about it. Also, being of the SLIGHTLY Geek-ish persuasion, I made myself a TICK LIST, with an adjustable scoring system, so that each week i can mark myself out of 50 for my progress. I'm going to the gym THRICE a week, getting off the tube two stops early TWICE, NOT drinking beer or wine at home during the week, and generally NOT having second helpings or cheeky snacks, CAKE for lunch, or chocolate, crisps, cheese, biscuits or anything like that.

It was a COLOSSAL PAIN for the first couple of weeks, as I'd walk past newsagents hearing the Twix's calling out to me, or arrive home to realise I'd have to wait OVER TWO HOURS before I could eat a meal. Truly, i have suffered, but it's getting a bit easier now and the WEIGHT GRAPH (yes, I also record my WEIGHT and make GRAPHS out of the results, it is ACE) is on a gentle downward slope.

The plan is, and has always been, to carry on with this project until my BIRTHDAY (five weeks today! whoo!), on which day i shall have a) BEER b) cheese and salad cream sandwiches for lunch c) treacle pudding for tea and d) TWIX for breakfast. It has been a BEACON OF LIGHT on the DIET HORIZON for me to think of this DAY OF JOY, so imagine my HORROR when I heard about THIS!

TWIX is no longer suitable for vegetarians!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

GODDAM IT, Mars Corporation, do you REALISE how many POUNDS a YEAR you will be losing from ME ALONE?!? SEVERAL! And SNICKERS too? Snickers is made from NUTS, it's a valuable source of Protein, you SWINES!

Still, it's nice to see that 90% of Cheese is now free from Cow's Knees, I didn't realise that was happening, but still - come on Mars Corporation, make like HEINZ with Salad Cream, and tell us it's an EVIL REVERSO MARKETING PLOY!

posted 15/5/2007 by MJ Hibbett

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Comments:

It's a damned plot against eating right.

Right SWINES they are. Have at them.

(Am last man standing in the office now, so I have The Uberset turned up on my Powerbook, enjoying.)
posted 18/5/2007 by Olle

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