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How hard can it be to get your own column in a newspaper eh? Surely all you have to do is sit on the TRAIN or the BUS or just WALK to work for a bit and then when you get it DRAIN YOUR BRAIN? Here, let us ATTEMPT it!

ITEM! I Read With Interest that the redevelopment of King's Cross is going to involve building new housing, "40% of which will be affordable". This is annoying in TWO ways, firstly the smug assumption that building houses that ACTUAL PEOPLE could buy makes you a LIVING SAINT (whilst still ensuring that the majority will be owned by rich tossers, possibly drinking red wine and laughing with their mouths open too wide like in ALL NEW PROPERTY ADVERTS EVER) and SECONDLY because it is so LOGICALLY RIDICULOUS. If 40% are "affordable", does that mean the other 60% will be BEYOND THE REACH OF ANY POCKET?!? "Yes, this chi chi pied a'terre is 50 BILLION QUID. PER SQUARE FOOT. Oh baby, think of the commision!"

ITEM! I think i am re-entering a POLITICAL ADOLESCENCE as i am receiving MIXED MESSAGES from all over the place. Over the weekend I found myself AGREEING WITH DAVID CAMERON over, funnily enough "affordable housing", although more because he said they should build "beautiful houses" which shouldn't really be a CRAZY IDEA OF REVOLUTIONARY STATUS but does appear to be. If that wasn't bad enough this morning i AGREED WITH DAVID MILLIBAND. Well, actually i think he was agreeing with ME: he was talking about some survey or other, and said "this was of children born in 1970, who were thus 18 in 1988 - at the height of Thatcherism with enormous poverty and inequality and unemployment at an all time high." By GOLLY if only he'd gone on to say that it was also the height of the cold war and there seemed little point in studying of a future that would probably never have come he would be SINGING ALONG with about 10% of all my songs EVER... at LEAST. Oh MING! MING! Come and save me!

ITEM! John Robb and The Marvellous Tom Robinson were on the telly this morning talking about THE PUNK ROCK. Both of them were GRATE - enthusiastic, INTO things, and EAGER to hear new STUFF and DO new things. It was INSPIRING. They were punk, also PUNK i.e. without the individual capitalisation of the first letter. To be punk, also PUNK, is a thing of GRATE WONDER. Halfway through they interviewed some Punks, i.e. people playing _P_unk Music, sneering at those younger than them, saying that they themselves only were GRATE and everything else was rubbish - they were STUCK IN TIME re-enacting their own teenage years over and over again. Being _P_unk is RUBBISH, backward looking and frankly DULL. When the next NEW PUNK comes along it is NEVER going to be this sort of Costume Shop TRAVESTY, it will be something that people like that HATE, and, mind you, also most likely so will i... talking of which...

ITEM! The Bloke From Orson's Hat! In the GYMNASIUM the other day I watched the video for Orson's song - no idea what it is, I've heard it several times but it hasn't STUCK. I actually heard it first on DAVINA (NB IT WAS ON I WASN'T WATCHING IT ON PURPOSE NOBODY IN THE LAND IS) when they were giving it ATTITUDE, BABY, Oh yeah they were so _P_unk they were flipping the V to The Man by ... er... obeying their corporate paymasters and appearing on a prime time BBC talk show and behaving impeccably with their Rock Postures delicately choreographed to fit the needs of the camera men. Actually i thought it looked like Peter Andre had tried to Go Rock but ANYWAY, it was THEM, and i noticed that he has done something I had thought IMPOSSIBLE: he has taken those stupid trilby hats that people seem determined to wear and made them look EVEN MORE STUPID.

Now, obviously I have reached a stage in my life when I think this about MANY things that people younger than I seem to like - I fail to understand why THE YOUTH want to look like they have big fat saggy bottoms and very short legs, for instance, and "your honour, it is a beat combo called The Rolling The Stones" - and those stupid hats are something that simply BAFFLES me. There are only THREE male types of people who can wear a HAT and look cool - Frank Sinatra, Tom Baker, and COWBOYS - and Peter Doherty and his puffy face whining rich kid junkie ILK are NONE of those things. Personally i await the return of THE FEZ to high fashion, surely it cannot be long?

So yes, i accept that I am perhaps not THE DON of Current Fashions, but even I was amazed by how much further The Bloke From Orson had PUSHED THE ENVELOPE OF LOOKING LIKE A TOOL. I can only imagine he was in his dressing room one day and thought "Hmm, with this stupid little hat i do indeed look like a colossal TOOL, but can i not do better than that? What if... oh yes! What if i pull it RIGHT DOWN so I can't even see where I'm going, and it is SQUISHED down over my ears and stupid face? AHA! YES! I now look like the MOST GIGANTIC TOOL THAT EVER WALKED! Into a wall!"

Even in their own video, which they must have been able to EDIT, this ENORMOUS TOSSER has to keep looking around to stop himself walking into walls because HIS HAT IS PULLED DOWN OVER HIS EYES. Does he not realise? I fully expect next time I am in SHOREDITCH to be BUMPED INTO by GOONISH POLTROONS similarly attired, who have sacrificed their ability to SEE WHERE THEY ARE GOING just so as to look LIKE A WAZZOCK. It's much the same effect achieved by those prattish angular haircuts, only this time BOTH EYES are obscured. _P_unk!

I bet even now his EARS are burning bright red with all this talk of his toolishness... although, maybe the fact that ALL WHO SEE HIM must surely speak of this, maybe that is the very REASON why he had to cover them up. AHA!

There we go then - COLUMN-A-LICIOUS, stick a ten year old photograph of ME at the top of the page, that was EASY! i didn't even have to mention how i am a busy working mother juggling a difficult career in the media with three children, a grouchy hubby, and an ABSOLUTE NEED to drive a massive car whilst smoking in restaurants!

posted 30/3/2006 by MJ Hibbett

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one of the kaiser chiefs always gets to me. You would think he would not want to draw attention to himself, but he always wears a weird pork pie hat.


Maybe he's got something wrong with his head?
posted 31/3/2006 by Pauly

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